How to be the best mum in the world

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This has been playing on ny mind these past few weeks when ive been feeling a bit low. Ive been feeling like the worst mum ever to my little twinkles.

I have no patience and ive been shouting at the girls. Ive been telling them off when theyve been misbehaving by hitting each other, pushing each other and rowing with one and other. Ive been telling them off for climbing on our nest of tables and squirting milk all over the tv and tv cabinet- oh and how they love squirting milk everywhere. I always seem to struggle to turn the pages of their books recently as theyre glued together with milk!! Ive been saying No! Everytime the girls start playing with the brush & mop in the kitchen. I get frustrated with the girls when they dont nap at the same time just because that means i wont have a break all day from them.

To some people i might sound harsh, bitter & the worlds worst mum but do you know what? After all the thinking ive done, i dont think im a bad mum at all. I discipline my girls – theres nothing wrong with that, im just trying to teach them the rights and wrongs! I might give them too much milk but they love it, who am i to take that away from them? They still take noonoo’s (dummy) as thats their comfort. Ive quit working to be home with them. I might be a rubbish person at the moment with the way im feeling but i dont think im a rubbish mum, i think im the best mum in the world– to my girls! It may not be the way you bring your kids up but its the way i bring mine up. Everyones different, theres no right or wrong way to bring up your kids. And i believe im bringing my kids up the right way for them and me! So yeah i do believe that im the best mum in the world…. to my little twinkles😊

So, Dont try to be like other mums and dads you see, just be you! Do it your way!! Be the best mum/dad in the world to your kids. I bet you already are in their eyes anyway. Just be you

About your first born TAG

All about your first born!

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1. Was your first pregnancy planned?  Yes, even though we said we wouldn’t actually ‘try for a baby’ just so we wouldn’t be disappointed if we weren’t pregnant. But yes, it was planned :)But having twins was not planned!! That was the biggest shock of our lives!

2. Were you married? Nope, got engaged 5 months after the monkeys were born.

3. What was your reaction to finding out? i was ecstatic!! It was what we both wanted! 🙂 finding out it was twins however, i don’t think ill ever get over the shock of having twins!

4. Were you induced? Yup, and in my case it wasn’t a very good experience.

5. How old were you? i was 22 years old,

6. Who did you first tell? Jamie, i text him when he was in work. Yes, TEXT him! Even though we were trying i was still nervous to tell him that we were in fact pregnant!

7. How did you find out? As we were trying i was very aware of my cycle. So when i was late i asked my sister for a spare pregnancy test she had in her wardrobe.

8. Did you want to find out the sex? Yes, we found out at our 20 weeks ultrasound. even though i knew what we were having because a psychic had told me a few years back 🙂

9. Due Date?  April 26th 2014

10. Did you deliver early or later than due date? I got induced at 37+6 weeks due to the struggles of a twin pregnancy, damn you sciatica and back pain. Had an emergency c section in the end.

11. Did you have morning sickness? Yep! I didn’t really puke just felt sick and heaving!

12. What did you crave? Slush puppy, Twiglets, tropical juice.

13. How many pounds did you gain from your pregnancy? i have no idea to be honest. I didn’t weigh myself! I hate weighing myself!

14. What was the sex of the baby? 2 healthy baby girls

15. Did you have any complications during labor? yes, pessary made me have hyper contractions, so they had to remove it, failed first epidural so ended up having it twice. And then had to have an emergency c section due to the fact that emilia was lacking oxygen and cause her heart rate to shoot up.

16. Where did you give birth? At my local hospital.

17. How many hours were you in labour? Erm, 14 hours i think? Not sure. I was high as a kite.

18. How much did your baby weigh ? 5lb 11.5oz & 6lb 9oz

19. What did you name him/her? Emilia Kate & Gracie Mae.

20. How old is your first born today? they are exactly nineteen months old today!
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Aww I loved doing that! I absolutely loved being pregnant, even though it was a struggle towards the end! I would do it all over again!

Thanks for the tag The Speed Bump! I tag everyone who wants to do it 😊

Just keep fighting & never give up!

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The past few days have been really hard. The same time every month just before im due my monthly’s i get really low and this week i got really low! I dont remember the last time i was that low, its been a while!
The past week i have been thinking all sorts of horrible things in my head and i got to the point that i started to believe what i thought. I thought that i was a terrible and horrible mother for shouting at the girls and because i had no patience with them and that i didnt deserve to be a mum, that i was an awful fiancée to Jamie for always being short tempered and always in a bad mood and i thought that everyone hated me and was saying awful things behind my back. I was thinking that i was disgusting and fat and that i should start starving myself again. To be honest those thoughts havent really gone away but im trying to deal with them in my own way. Depression and anxiety really is a horrible illness and its ruining lives. Ive freaked myself out this week as its gone from bad to worse.
For 3 years now ive been dealing with my demons all on my own but ive finally admitted to myself that i need the help again. ive become so short tempered & impatient. Even when i battled with the demons before ive never been like this. So to be a better mother & fiancée I’ve accepted that i need help and i’m going to ask someone for help. Everyone needs a little help now & again and im not embarassed to say that i need help… I NEED HELP!!
Ive come off facebook this week as i found myself scrolling down my news feed all day long and not playing or reading to the girls much which isnt fair on them and to be honest i dont know what i was looking at on facebook. I really dont miss it whatsoever! I found that i was jealous of everyone just because im battling with my demons and im so negative about everything at the moment and i felt as if everyone was happy but me. Ive become a jealous mess and thats the reason ive come off facebook. I feel better already after coming off it. Im actually living a bit now rather than living in social media! And dealing with this all in my head ive also got two teething toddlers who loves throwing tantrums all day long and who dont like to sleep! Im sure i got up ten times last night between the both of them. So this morning im in serious need of coffee and some matchsticks to keep my eyes open! Its going to be a long day!Bring on 5pm when Jamie comes hoem from work! Im counting down the hours until jamie is off work on thursday for five days! I get my 4th day off from the girls in 19months on sunday and i cant wait. I think its just what we all need, us and the girls!

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The girls need this at the momemt with tthe amount of times they wake up at night demanding milk. Such milk monsters. Damn you teething!

My 24th Birthday

Yep thats right, 24 whole years on this planet.. wow! And in that 24 years a lot has happened for the worst and for the better!
Ive lost special people that meant everything to me, ive battled with mental health, been a victim of bullying, lost friends & gained new ones, gained qualifications & my driving license, Been at rock bottom, Gained a Fiancé & two gorgeous girls & Bought our home. It just shows that if you want the rainbow  you must put up with the rain, and oh wow have i had to put up with an awful lot of rain, but look where i am today! I remember when i had my sixteenth birthday i felt so lucky and blessed to still be here to celebrate, because that year had been the toughest year of my life battling with my mental health issues. I had been self harming a lot that year and also i also overdosed. So being here on my 24th Birthday, celebrating with my family – I really am the luckiest girl in the world, i really am! I have everything i have ever wanted in life, my own family. So qould i go through all of that sh*t again to have what i have today? Definitely, 100%

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So now the depressive bit has been said, my 24th Birthday wasnt anything special really. Jamie was in work all day from 6.30am until 5pm and the girls weren’t  well all day and slept for 2 and a half hours in the day. But do you know what made my Birthday so special to me? I had my family around me. After jamie came home from work thats when i really started to celebrate and thats when it actually felt like my Birthday. We had chinese food which was lovely and sat in front of the tv watching ‘orange is the new black’ which ive started to get in to, i cant get enough of it (currently on season 2 so dont spoil it for me ha). Jamie even got me a cake. Anyone who knows me knows that i hate fuss and i hate the ‘Happy Birthday’ song being sung to me. But yesterday it was so special to me when Jamie came out with a cake full of candles singing to me. It was just the four of us. Jamie, Me, Emilia & Gracie. And the girls helped me to blow the candles. All day i thought, what a boring day, but it wasnt. I had a lovely day. Even if my birthday only started when Jamie came home from work. I had such a special day/night and i cant thank Jamie enough for going into so much trouble for me.

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From my little monkeys i had a set of Pyjamas, pair of slippers, box of black magic chocolates, pair of lounge socks, Zoella’s first book, and also a disney anti stress colouring book which i LOVE and from my Jamie i had a lovely bunch of flowers! Ive been spoilt this year and a lot of thought went in to it by Jamie.

So, if you’re reading this Jamie, Thank you so so much for a lovely Birthday. You have spoilt me rotten and i feel like the luckiest girl in the world to have you! I would be lost without you. You came at that point in my life when i needed you the most and i cant thank you enough. Thank you for just being you and thank you for treating me like a princess everytime. I Love You So Much xxx

Halloween 2015

So after all the build up for Halloween 2015, it has been and gone, done & dusted and we can start to look forward to Christmas-Christmas being the most wonderful time of the year!!

halloween 2015This Halloween was so much different to last years and more fun. The girls were only 6 months old last year so we didn’t really do much only dress them up in pumpkin babygrows. They didn’t understand what was going on so i didn’t really bother to do  much really and we were living with relatives last Halloween so i couldn’t really do much. But this year, This year was different. I carved my first EVER pumpkin!! and i think i did a pretty good job if i do say so myself! I also made some biscuits decorated with Halloween theme and cupcakes too. and of course we dressed the girls up as Skeletons. i absolutely loved their outfits, they were so girly and wore them all day. we went to relatives houses trick or treating and the girls had so much fun! but at the end of the day we were all knackered and ready for bed  by 7pm!!

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Emilia Kate
Gracie Mae

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I’m not really one for Halloween but this year Ive tried to be more involved in it for the girl’s sake and I’ve had so much fun, well we all have as a family. Next Halloween will be better again!!

Living with depression & anxiety

The past few years haven’t been easy for me i must say. Living with depression & anxiety is a daily battle with your own mind & thoughts. Some days i have to fight the urge to do something silly that i would later regret for sure- but not everyday is like wpid-20151011_090732-1.jpgthat which is a BIG improvement to how i used to be.

Depression has made me a better person in a way. “Why is that?”i hear you ask. Well, its because im such a sensitive person. I hate when people hurt my feelings so i would never dream of hurting anyone else’s feelings. I always think how i would feel in a situation and i strongly believe in the saying “treat others the way you wish to be treated”. That saying alone has made me into a better person.

Since having the girls, depressive symptoms only seem to creep up now when i’m exhausted or its that time of the month. First few weeks of having the girls i was having depressive symptoms and i got diagnosed with postnatal depression but luckily only borderline. These past few months have been so so hard with our current living situation and it has been affecting me. I barely take the girls out in the days. i am constantly indoors which makes me feel like the worst mum ever and that triggers the depression for me. i’m so anxious of being out on my own, if i have company i am fine but i wont go anywhere on my own. i wont phone anyone, and wont answer the door unless its someone i know or its a postman and even answering the door to the postman is something im anxious to do! I find that since having my little twinkles, ive lost my independence, I’ve always hated going anywhere on my own but these past 18 months, they’ve been hard. I hate living this way but its just me really and i do feel really sorry for the girls because i could be taking the girls out, they’re missing out on so much just because i am the way i am!

Some days i actually believe that the girls would be better off without me, but the day after that i tell myself hwpid-img-1442994282034-v.jpgow lucky and blessed i am to have something that i’ve always wanted and that they need me as much as i need them. Being a mum is the best job in the world, i get to spend everyday in the company of my girls. I just wish sometimes it would be easier. Its double the mischief, the tantrums and double the teething!! But nothing worth having ever comes easy! And i do believe that. Not once did i think it would be easy to be a stay at home mum of twins but i did think it would be easier than this. Everyday is a new day and i try to think like that, Like today the girls could be absolute terrors and i would end up putting the girls for a snooze in their cot while im in bed sobbing thinking im the world worst parent for not being able to handle two 1 year olds, but the day after the girls can be completely different and i feel so guilty shouting at them the day before because of their misbehaving. Its like a cycle. Not a day is the same. But i genuinely wouldnt have it any other way. Yes i struggle and sometimes i feel as though i want to pack my bags and go, but i could never do it. Its part of being a mum, i bet you’ve felt like this at some point of parenthood? Some may not admit to it but i know its not just me!

The way i cope with my feeling is by shutting myself in a room away from the girls for about 10 minutes or so with a coffee to ground myself- this helps me to focus on what important to me. In that 10 minutes my mind is playing overdrive. I feel as If I want to harm myself, I’m crying uncontrollably and heavy breathing. but all it takes is 10 minutes, 10 minutes of thinking about positives in my life and 10 minutes of controlled breathing. after my 10 minute time out is up I feel so much better and I actually feel silly that I let things get on top of me again and again. then the feeling of self harming is long gone.

This is my personal way of coping with my mental illness, if you ever suspect that you may have a mental illness please seek medical advice. I’ve also found a useful website that might be useful if you ever feel low like I do and need some advice –
http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/

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Operation Unpacking, Sorting & Make it look pretty

Yaaay, we finally have internet! its been a long 10 days!! So as you know, we have just bought our first home. It really is the best feeling in the world knowing that our home is actually ours!

We are still on operation unpacking, Which is frustrating because our spare room is full on boxes that need to be unpacked, its just finding the time to do it while juggling the twin life! The girls haven’t been the best behaved this last week but i think its all down to new surroundings. All week whenever we brought them downstairs in the morning they would scream the house down just because we brought them down. I think it was because they were expecting to be in my parents’ living room but have a tantrum as soon as they realise where they are. The last 3 mornings though have been a lot better though, No screams or tantrums so it looks like were heading the right way!

The past year has been super hard for us as the girls have been sharing our room with us since they were born and the girls would wake up several times in the night but since being in their own bedroom they’ve become a lot better at night, Gracie now sleeps all night whilst Emilia wakes up once or twice at night. I feel like a new woman, i really do, a good night sleep really does make a difference!

Emilia & Gracie’s room is pretty much finished really, we just need to add a few finishing touches like altering the curtains as they are mahoosive ( no idea why IKEA make curtains so long!!!) Put a blackout blind up (not that there’s a rush as its dark very early now) and put a book shelf up! We’ve gone for the ‘girly’ theme for the girls bedroom, which i’m really glad we did. I love it! And I’m glad they love it too, their first reaction when walking in to their room for the first time was “WOOOOW” so that has to be a good sign! Our bedroom just needs curtains and a mirror put up on the wall. I love our bedroom- its so cosy, Ive bought cushions to put on the bed just to make it look pretty and added a throw at the bottom of the bed. I cant wait to jump into bed every night which i haven’t felt like that in months! We’ve had most of our furniture from IKEA as we love IKEA, but end up spending way more that we should!Our bathroom has a Duck theme. i decided to do this as the girls are loving ducks so i found a duck shower curtain from MATALAN and I’ve just matched the colours of that with towels and accessories.Our Living Area is done really, were just waiting for our new DFS corner sofa which I’m very excited about. we currently have a 2 seater sofa in there which isn’t big enough but has done its job while were waiting for our new one. And kitchen, we have gone for a green and black theme as everything we had was black and the walls were already a light green colour. The house was ready to move straight in to really but we decided to put new carpets throughout it as it had wooden flooring and in my opinion wooden flooring isn’t very warm, well it doesn’t give me the cosyness that i want in a house so we went with carpet and I’m so glad we did.

As soon as we sort the house out i will post some photos but for now i have a lot of unpacking and tidying to do!!! 🙂

Bought our first home!!

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So last night we got the keys!!! We are officially HOMEOWNERS! We actually OWN a house, scary but so sooo exciting!
I honestly dont know where to start with the unpacking & building! We have so much to do.The carpets are going in tomorrow then all week from tomorrow it will be building, unpacking & sorting every day! So excited!! Me and Jamie just cannot wait to settle in our new home! Its the first ‘home’ the girls will have had really because we moved out of our rented house when the girls were only 4 months old and since then we have been living with relatives!
Im just so excited to do the girls room because ive never done a room for them before. Its going to be so girly!

The house is a 3 bedroom terraced house situated in a little village in North wales. The views are just amazing. The only issue we would have is when its snowing in our area, we would get it bad because were high up! But cant complain! So yeah, just a little update with the house situation! The whole process of buying a house is finally over and we got there in the end. Its been a very stressful few months with the process but we can finally say we own our home now!!

Emilia & Gracie – A Multiple Birth Story

image-2e5086d2e731fc40b12e5237022c9aaf95a08a3111a41b418ea3aace1ac34770-VOn the 9th of April 2014 at 10am i was booked in for an induction as the girls hadn’t made an appearance and i was 37+4 weeks pregnant. We were showed to my bed at the maternity ward and were explained the induction process. I was then put on a monitor so they could keep a close eye on me and the twinkles. The midwife then went on to explain all the people that would be present at the birth which would be : 2 midwives, a doctor and an anaesthetist. Wasn’t i lucky to have an audience? lol!

At around 12pm the midwife inserted a propess (induction) and from image-acea4b5dcd248e8aa832d5ab3fbeb83be88ca725f6753652f1427da89ba18d09-Vthen on it was a waiting game for something to happen. at approx 1pm i was having contraction after contraction. I was in complete agony!!! It was visiting hours at the ward and my mum & dad came to see me.. they couldn’t understand why I was in so much pain at such an early stage of labour. I had to let the midwife know!! she had a look at the monitor and noticed that i was hyperstimulating meaning that i was having contraction after contraction without any breaks in-between. They made a decision to take the propess out as it wasn’t agreeing with my body and the hyperstimulating could make the twins distressed. It was a huge relief to get it out. It felt like my whole underneath was on fire!! After taking the propess out it was a huge relief!! They agreed to let me be until the next morning to take me over to the labour ward.

The next morning came and i was transferred onto the labour ward to break my waters as they didn’t go by themselves during the night. The doctor/consultant then put me on a drip to image-5f8ffbb50ab9ced39a209e48bff612a1b312377a0d8ab47933a02410a0246454-Vencourage labour. The contractions soon came and gas and air was needed..Oh how i loved the gas and air!! As the contractions got stronger I needed stronger pain relief. The midwife advised me to have an epidural which is strongly advised with multiple births in case they need to rush you into theatre in an emergency.

The anaesthetist was called to my room and inserted the epidural into my spine which was very unpleasant- I needed the gas and air for that bit!! Im such a wuss!!
An hour or so after i could feel pain on one side of my body but not tWP_20140411_001he other half which meant the epidural failed!! They had to recall the anaesthetist to my room to relocate the epidural into my spine which worked wonders! The contractions were coming strong but of course between the gas and air and the epidural i was high as a kite and felt no pain. I even slept for 2 hours straight after my epidural and had to be woken up to be examined by the consultant. I had reached 7cm (Woohoo!!) and was told to push to try and encourage Twin 1 (Emilia) to move down, i managed to push to 9cm with one push then Emilia started to get distressed, her oxygen levels were low and her heart rate was sky high.They couldn’t take any risks so the doctor and midwives made a decision to take me into theatre for an assisted delivery. I was completely unaware of what was going on as i was so drowsy and high from all the drugs they had given me. They placed me on the operating table and got their tools ready. My partner then told me they were no longer going to give me an assisted delivery and that they needed to do an emergency C-section without trying the assisted delivery as Emilia was so distressed they didn’t want to risk anything!
Jamie sat with me the whole time in theatre and was brilliant with me! He kept IMG_20140430_215935talking to me and assuring me that everything was going to be okay. The next thing i know My beautiful twin girls had entered the world:) tears were shed and I got to see one of the girls quickly until I threw up!! They took me to recovery where I got to hold my girls for the first time. It was the most magical thing in the world.. those 2 beautiful babies were mine. I couldn’t believe it.

Emilia Kate Hughes was born at 03.39am weighing 5limage-8ec9b00d5fd74106c10e4365f903dca0950c6f319f8a818b2c58f291a8232fb3-Vb 11.5oz measuring 46cms and Gracie Mae Hughes was born a minute later at 03.40am weighed 6lb 9oz measuring 52cms on the 11th of April 2014. I’m pretty gutted that it ended in an emergency c-section as i went through all the labour which lasted 15hours+ but I’m so glad that they arrived safely , I am well and truly blessed.

After the delivery I had to stay in hospital for 3 days then was allowed home to continue my recovery at home and to start our new family life. 🙂

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Today’s Hairstyle

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So today’s hairstyle is pretty simple to be honest. It was so effortless. And i achieved it pretty much by being too lazy to blow dry it!

All i did was:

1. Wash it:)
2.Towel dry my hair so it was still wet but not soaking! (Im so lazy when it comes to blow drying my hair!)
3.I parted my hair into two
4.Did Twisted Buns on each side and put a bobble to hold the buns together.

And that is all. You could put mousse in it before putting buns in too but i decided i wanted a more natural/flowy look.

Then this morning while my hair was still  in buns i dried my ‘buns’ because i could feel my hair being a bit damp.
I took the bobble out that held my buns together and brushed my fingers through my hair. And lastly i hairsprayed my hair. Simples. I love simple hair styles, especially since becoming a mum of twins. I really dont have the time to to sit there for an hour to do my hair so this hairstyle worked a treat. Hope you like 😊