Living with depression & anxiety

The past few years haven’t been easy for me i must say. Living with depression & anxiety is a daily battle with your own mind & thoughts. Some days i have to fight the urge to do something silly that i would later regret for sure- but not everyday is like wpid-20151011_090732-1.jpgthat which is a BIG improvement to how i used to be.

Depression has made me a better person in a way. “Why is that?”i hear you ask. Well, its because im such a sensitive person. I hate when people hurt my feelings so i would never dream of hurting anyone else’s feelings. I always think how i would feel in a situation and i strongly believe in the saying “treat others the way you wish to be treated”. That saying alone has made me into a better person.

Since having the girls, depressive symptoms only seem to creep up now when i’m exhausted or its that time of the month. First few weeks of having the girls i was having depressive symptoms and i got diagnosed with postnatal depression but luckily only borderline. These past few months have been so so hard with our current living situation and it has been affecting me. I barely take the girls out in the days. i am constantly indoors which makes me feel like the worst mum ever and that triggers the depression for me. i’m so anxious of being out on my own, if i have company i am fine but i wont go anywhere on my own. i wont phone anyone, and wont answer the door unless its someone i know or its a postman and even answering the door to the postman is something im anxious to do! I find that since having my little twinkles, ive lost my independence, I’ve always hated going anywhere on my own but these past 18 months, they’ve been hard. I hate living this way but its just me really and i do feel really sorry for the girls because i could be taking the girls out, they’re missing out on so much just because i am the way i am!

Some days i actually believe that the girls would be better off without me, but the day after that i tell myself hwpid-img-1442994282034-v.jpgow lucky and blessed i am to have something that i’ve always wanted and that they need me as much as i need them. Being a mum is the best job in the world, i get to spend everyday in the company of my girls. I just wish sometimes it would be easier. Its double the mischief, the tantrums and double the teething!! But nothing worth having ever comes easy! And i do believe that. Not once did i think it would be easy to be a stay at home mum of twins but i did think it would be easier than this. Everyday is a new day and i try to think like that, Like today the girls could be absolute terrors and i would end up putting the girls for a snooze in their cot while im in bed sobbing thinking im the world worst parent for not being able to handle two 1 year olds, but the day after the girls can be completely different and i feel so guilty shouting at them the day before because of their misbehaving. Its like a cycle. Not a day is the same. But i genuinely wouldnt have it any other way. Yes i struggle and sometimes i feel as though i want to pack my bags and go, but i could never do it. Its part of being a mum, i bet you’ve felt like this at some point of parenthood? Some may not admit to it but i know its not just me!

The way i cope with my feeling is by shutting myself in a room away from the girls for about 10 minutes or so with a coffee to ground myself- this helps me to focus on what important to me. In that 10 minutes my mind is playing overdrive. I feel as If I want to harm myself, I’m crying uncontrollably and heavy breathing. but all it takes is 10 minutes, 10 minutes of thinking about positives in my life and 10 minutes of controlled breathing. after my 10 minute time out is up I feel so much better and I actually feel silly that I let things get on top of me again and again. then the feeling of self harming is long gone.

This is my personal way of coping with my mental illness, if you ever suspect that you may have a mental illness please seek medical advice. I’ve also found a useful website that might be useful if you ever feel low like I do and need some advice –
http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/

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Operation Unpacking, Sorting & Make it look pretty

Yaaay, we finally have internet! its been a long 10 days!! So as you know, we have just bought our first home. It really is the best feeling in the world knowing that our home is actually ours!

We are still on operation unpacking, Which is frustrating because our spare room is full on boxes that need to be unpacked, its just finding the time to do it while juggling the twin life! The girls haven’t been the best behaved this last week but i think its all down to new surroundings. All week whenever we brought them downstairs in the morning they would scream the house down just because we brought them down. I think it was because they were expecting to be in my parents’ living room but have a tantrum as soon as they realise where they are. The last 3 mornings though have been a lot better though, No screams or tantrums so it looks like were heading the right way!

The past year has been super hard for us as the girls have been sharing our room with us since they were born and the girls would wake up several times in the night but since being in their own bedroom they’ve become a lot better at night, Gracie now sleeps all night whilst Emilia wakes up once or twice at night. I feel like a new woman, i really do, a good night sleep really does make a difference!

Emilia & Gracie’s room is pretty much finished really, we just need to add a few finishing touches like altering the curtains as they are mahoosive ( no idea why IKEA make curtains so long!!!) Put a blackout blind up (not that there’s a rush as its dark very early now) and put a book shelf up! We’ve gone for the ‘girly’ theme for the girls bedroom, which i’m really glad we did. I love it! And I’m glad they love it too, their first reaction when walking in to their room for the first time was “WOOOOW” so that has to be a good sign! Our bedroom just needs curtains and a mirror put up on the wall. I love our bedroom- its so cosy, Ive bought cushions to put on the bed just to make it look pretty and added a throw at the bottom of the bed. I cant wait to jump into bed every night which i haven’t felt like that in months! We’ve had most of our furniture from IKEA as we love IKEA, but end up spending way more that we should!Our bathroom has a Duck theme. i decided to do this as the girls are loving ducks so i found a duck shower curtain from MATALAN and I’ve just matched the colours of that with towels and accessories.Our Living Area is done really, were just waiting for our new DFS corner sofa which I’m very excited about. we currently have a 2 seater sofa in there which isn’t big enough but has done its job while were waiting for our new one. And kitchen, we have gone for a green and black theme as everything we had was black and the walls were already a light green colour. The house was ready to move straight in to really but we decided to put new carpets throughout it as it had wooden flooring and in my opinion wooden flooring isn’t very warm, well it doesn’t give me the cosyness that i want in a house so we went with carpet and I’m so glad we did.

As soon as we sort the house out i will post some photos but for now i have a lot of unpacking and tidying to do!!! 🙂

Bought our first home!!

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So last night we got the keys!!! We are officially HOMEOWNERS! We actually OWN a house, scary but so sooo exciting!
I honestly dont know where to start with the unpacking & building! We have so much to do.The carpets are going in tomorrow then all week from tomorrow it will be building, unpacking & sorting every day! So excited!! Me and Jamie just cannot wait to settle in our new home! Its the first ‘home’ the girls will have had really because we moved out of our rented house when the girls were only 4 months old and since then we have been living with relatives!
Im just so excited to do the girls room because ive never done a room for them before. Its going to be so girly!

The house is a 3 bedroom terraced house situated in a little village in North wales. The views are just amazing. The only issue we would have is when its snowing in our area, we would get it bad because were high up! But cant complain! So yeah, just a little update with the house situation! The whole process of buying a house is finally over and we got there in the end. Its been a very stressful few months with the process but we can finally say we own our home now!!

Emilia & Gracie – A Multiple Birth Story

image-2e5086d2e731fc40b12e5237022c9aaf95a08a3111a41b418ea3aace1ac34770-VOn the 9th of April 2014 at 10am i was booked in for an induction as the girls hadn’t made an appearance and i was 37+4 weeks pregnant. We were showed to my bed at the maternity ward and were explained the induction process. I was then put on a monitor so they could keep a close eye on me and the twinkles. The midwife then went on to explain all the people that would be present at the birth which would be : 2 midwives, a doctor and an anaesthetist. Wasn’t i lucky to have an audience? lol!

At around 12pm the midwife inserted a propess (induction) and from image-acea4b5dcd248e8aa832d5ab3fbeb83be88ca725f6753652f1427da89ba18d09-Vthen on it was a waiting game for something to happen. at approx 1pm i was having contraction after contraction. I was in complete agony!!! It was visiting hours at the ward and my mum & dad came to see me.. they couldn’t understand why I was in so much pain at such an early stage of labour. I had to let the midwife know!! she had a look at the monitor and noticed that i was hyperstimulating meaning that i was having contraction after contraction without any breaks in-between. They made a decision to take the propess out as it wasn’t agreeing with my body and the hyperstimulating could make the twins distressed. It was a huge relief to get it out. It felt like my whole underneath was on fire!! After taking the propess out it was a huge relief!! They agreed to let me be until the next morning to take me over to the labour ward.

The next morning came and i was transferred onto the labour ward to break my waters as they didn’t go by themselves during the night. The doctor/consultant then put me on a drip to image-5f8ffbb50ab9ced39a209e48bff612a1b312377a0d8ab47933a02410a0246454-Vencourage labour. The contractions soon came and gas and air was needed..Oh how i loved the gas and air!! As the contractions got stronger I needed stronger pain relief. The midwife advised me to have an epidural which is strongly advised with multiple births in case they need to rush you into theatre in an emergency.

The anaesthetist was called to my room and inserted the epidural into my spine which was very unpleasant- I needed the gas and air for that bit!! Im such a wuss!!
An hour or so after i could feel pain on one side of my body but not tWP_20140411_001he other half which meant the epidural failed!! They had to recall the anaesthetist to my room to relocate the epidural into my spine which worked wonders! The contractions were coming strong but of course between the gas and air and the epidural i was high as a kite and felt no pain. I even slept for 2 hours straight after my epidural and had to be woken up to be examined by the consultant. I had reached 7cm (Woohoo!!) and was told to push to try and encourage Twin 1 (Emilia) to move down, i managed to push to 9cm with one push then Emilia started to get distressed, her oxygen levels were low and her heart rate was sky high.They couldn’t take any risks so the doctor and midwives made a decision to take me into theatre for an assisted delivery. I was completely unaware of what was going on as i was so drowsy and high from all the drugs they had given me. They placed me on the operating table and got their tools ready. My partner then told me they were no longer going to give me an assisted delivery and that they needed to do an emergency C-section without trying the assisted delivery as Emilia was so distressed they didn’t want to risk anything!
Jamie sat with me the whole time in theatre and was brilliant with me! He kept IMG_20140430_215935talking to me and assuring me that everything was going to be okay. The next thing i know My beautiful twin girls had entered the world:) tears were shed and I got to see one of the girls quickly until I threw up!! They took me to recovery where I got to hold my girls for the first time. It was the most magical thing in the world.. those 2 beautiful babies were mine. I couldn’t believe it.

Emilia Kate Hughes was born at 03.39am weighing 5limage-8ec9b00d5fd74106c10e4365f903dca0950c6f319f8a818b2c58f291a8232fb3-Vb 11.5oz measuring 46cms and Gracie Mae Hughes was born a minute later at 03.40am weighed 6lb 9oz measuring 52cms on the 11th of April 2014. I’m pretty gutted that it ended in an emergency c-section as i went through all the labour which lasted 15hours+ but I’m so glad that they arrived safely , I am well and truly blessed.

After the delivery I had to stay in hospital for 3 days then was allowed home to continue my recovery at home and to start our new family life. 🙂

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Today’s Hairstyle

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So today’s hairstyle is pretty simple to be honest. It was so effortless. And i achieved it pretty much by being too lazy to blow dry it!

All i did was:

1. Wash it:)
2.Towel dry my hair so it was still wet but not soaking! (Im so lazy when it comes to blow drying my hair!)
3.I parted my hair into two
4.Did Twisted Buns on each side and put a bobble to hold the buns together.

And that is all. You could put mousse in it before putting buns in too but i decided i wanted a more natural/flowy look.

Then this morning while my hair was still  in buns i dried my ‘buns’ because i could feel my hair being a bit damp.
I took the bobble out that held my buns together and brushed my fingers through my hair. And lastly i hairsprayed my hair. Simples. I love simple hair styles, especially since becoming a mum of twins. I really dont have the time to to sit there for an hour to do my hair so this hairstyle worked a treat. Hope you like 😊

Please, I beg of you!!

The last couple of nights have been an absolute torture for Me & Jamie. Since the girls have chicken pox, theyve been waking up every hour in the night. They woke up a few times anyway prior to the chicken pox for milk but this, this is something else. Bring my daughters back!! I dont think ive even had 2 hours sleep last night. Im really struggling to keep my eyes open this morning seeing as we’ve all been up since 4.15am! The girls dont seem to be itching or scratching in the night, they dont want milk or their noonoo (dummy) so i have no idea whats got into them! Its going to be a long day, if its anything like the day i had with them yesterday i may have a teenie tiny breakdown. It involved a lot of winging and crying fits, slapping& pushing, terrible tantums and they decided they didnt want to nap the same time so i didnt get a minute to myself. And to add to the wonderful day i had yesterday with the girls, which resulted in me bawling my flippin eyes out, they wanted to make sure that mammy didnt sleep last night either. Theyre just too kind to me arent they? I know its hard for them because theyve never had their own room away from Me & Jamie, i know its hard for us two anyway.i wonder if theyll sleep all night for me once theyre in their own room? I can hope & dream cant i? Lol

So Emilia & Gracie, please behave for mammy today, otherwise mam will be pulling her hair out and possibly lock herself in the bathroom for 10 minutes for a bit of peace n quiet. Mam loves you very very much but this is killing me.. please give me a break, just for today!!

From your very tired, stressed, exhausted mammy  x

Finding out we were pregnant… with Twins!!!

PicMonkey PhotoIt was the morning on 26th august 2013 that i had realized that i was a few days late. At that point i didn’t want to get my hopes up that i was pregnant as me & Jamie had been trying for 3 months(which isn’t long really but it felt like a lifetime!). Even though Jamie & I had agreed that we wouldn’t actually ‘try’, We had agreed on not using any contraceptive and if it happened it happened. We agreed on this so that we wouldn’t be disappointed each month my monthlies made an appearance.

Jamie was in work that day and i was in my mothers on my day off. I gave my sister a text message explaining that i could be pregnant and that i was late. she told me she had an unopened pregnancy test in her wardrobe since she had my nephew a few months back. So i went and got that from her wardrobe and did the pregnancy test , They were the longest minutes of my life!!Waiting and waiting .. my nerves were through the roof, the time was up.. and the big fat positive came up with a ‘3+ weeks’. I couldn’t believe it!! i was over the moon! i quickly messaged Jamie with a photo of the pregnancy test result (i know i know, coward lol!!) He was ecstatic!! It was really happening, we were going to be a proper family!!

That evening Jamie took me to our local ‘Asda’ to get another pregnancy test just to Confirm that i was in fact pregnant, and of course another big fat positive!! That night i told my mum and dad and they were over the moon for the both of us and excited to be  grandparents! For some reason i was so scared to tell my parents as i was 21 and because I’m the youngest i thought they would be disappointed, but how wrong was i. Now the waiting game began for the ultrasound which dragged.  20130828_201245

Well the day had finally arrived for our first ultrasound – October 21st 2013. That morning i was so ill it was unreal. My nerves were through the roof and the journey to the hospital felt like forever.
We arrived at the ultrasound department at our local hospital,Sat down and waited for my name to be called out. i couldn’t help but worry, i wanted this so much!  Jamie assured me that everything would be okay and joked “i bet you its Twins”. .. “Don’t be silly” i replied.The Sonographer called out my name, it was my turn! i entered the room and was asked to lie on the bed and she smothered my belly with freezing cold gel. The sonographer started the ultrasound, I was so worried in case it would be bad news as i’m sure it goes through everyone’s minds at some point in early pregnancy. She studied the screen and said “Ooh Congratulations, its twins!!”. My heart was pounding and i couldn’t believe it . “you’re joking!!” i replied as i looked up at the screen. I was so gobsmacked. There they were, my two babies!! I went into the ultrasound thinking the worst but not only our baby was healthy but there were two!! two healthy babies!!!! We were over the moon!! parents to two at twenty two and twenty four? Our hands were going to be full, but so was our hearts!!
My mum dropped to the floor when i told her, she was ecstatic. Okay yes i did have twins in my family but they go far back and we didn’t know we had twins in my family until my mum had asked family members so it was a massive shock!! a good shock of course. It was amazing watching our two little beans on the screen, best feeling in the world knowing that me & Jamie had created them! It was magical, It really was. The sonographer told us our due date was 26th Of April 2014. She explained that our twins had a placenta each and they had their own sac so our twins were classed as DCDA/Fraternal which means non-identical. She explained that there’s a 1 in 3 chance they still could be identical. but to be honest, everything she said is a complete blur to me, i just couldn’t stop looking at my two little beans on the screen. i Went to work that day and spewed all over my car in shock, I was over the moon, but no one is ready to be told there’s two babies growing inside of you.
I couldnt help but wonder if we Would be able to cope with two babies? Would we be able to cope financially? Time would tell !TWINS 21.10.2013

Things not to say to parents of Twins

18713_719169554854091_6224689640536697941_nSo many people have stopped us in the past year when the girls are with us. when they were a few weeks old i didn’t mind the attention because it was all new to me, but now, it’s got a bit annoying. Me & Jamie even avoid eye contact with people at supermarkets now because we never get our shopping done or we come from the supermarket without some stuff we needed.
People keep asking questions like “are they twins? are they identical?” i should really put a notice on the pram saying “yes, they are twins, no they are not identical, they are girls and no i haven’t got a favourite”

These are the questions & sayings that really frustrates me:

” Are they twins?”
No madam, they are triplets, i just left the ugly one at home!!

“Are they boys”
yep, they are boys, that’s why I’ve dressed them in pink, flowery dresses!!

“Double Trouble”
No, they are not double trouble, twins only mean i get double the cuddles, double the kisses, double the fun & double the love 🙂

“So i guess you have had all your babies in one?”
erm.. no i haven’t, i would LOVE another child, not now but sometime in the future so please stop assuming that Ive finished having children already because i haven’t, even though its no business of yours:)!!

“Wooaah, you’ve got your hands full!”
Okay, the girls can be a handful at times, the tantrums, the stealing of toys, the slapping & pushing but one baby can also be a handful. Having twins just means i have to do everything twice. i might have my hands full but my heart is even fuller!!

“Look, Twins!” –  Yes look, 2 babies… in a pram….you’re eyesight is fabulous madam!

“Ooh can i just take a look at them” – Erm, no id rather if you didn’t madam, Im in the middle of doing my weekly food shop… Ooh OK then since you’re still going to have a look anyway!

“Oh i had twins that were a year or so apart, it’s just like having twins!” – No! it is not like bringing up twins!!! nothing like it!

“Are you sure they aren’t identical? They look exactly the same”
Well they are sisters so they are going to look alike but theyre not identical, well that’s what they’ve told me in ultrasounds so ill believe that until a DNA test tells me otherwise 🙂

“Rather you than me”
Well yes really, Im glad Ive been blessed with twins and not you with that attitude of yours!

“You need a license to drive that pram”
No, i really don’t, its a double buggy, its not much bigger than a single buggy. Instead of passing sarcastic comments , just help me through doors etc

So yeah, unless you see me on a good day, these questions and sayings will frustrate me. instead just smile and say hello when i pass:) Please believe me when i say that I’m not an angry or horrible person, I’m really not. Its just frustrating hearing it every single day!

Whenever you pass just give me a smile and a polite hello then ill know you thought of me in some way as i passed 😊

Emilia & Gracie’s first year

Emilia & GracieSo, the first year has been so hard looking after my little twinkles. Its been hard because we haven’t really had anywhere this year that we could call home. So routines went through the window. The thing we did manage though, was to bathe the twinkles at 6pm every night and bed for 6.30pm and still do it now.

The first year was a bit surreal and crazy. I went from being a make up loving, music loving twenty one year old to a twenty two year old mum of two.. two??? How did that happen?! Well we all know how that happened but how amazing is that? Making one baby is amazing but 2? How was i capable of that? anyway enough of me rambling on..back to the subject.. so yeah it was a tough year. The girls really tested me! Gracie said her first word ‘dad’ and Emilia said her first word ‘mam’ so happy parents LOL!  And both crawled around the same time- 2 months before their birthday then walked a month or so after their birthday. They are literally everywhere at the moment, TV stand, open the sideboard drawers, playing with the fireguard, Some days i wonder how the hell do i cope lol!

Oh and the sleeping, don’t get me started on the sleeping. Because they’ve never had their own room (YET) because we have been living with relatives for the past year, whenever me and Jamie go to bed about 15 minutes after or so they want milk.. they are milk monsters!! And then the literally wake up every hour throughout the night for more milk. We cant say no because we don’t want them to wake up our relatives. So when we move out the girls are going to have some serious training!! Lol.

I really cant imagine life without my little monkeys now, they have completed me. They are my whole world!! They bring me so much joy and happiness. yes it is exhausting and hard, i sometimes cry for a whole day because I’m so stressed and sleep deprived, but do you know what? i wouldn’t change it for the world.
Being a twin mum is what i was meant to do and I’m pretty damn good at it if i do say so myself!! sometimes i wish i had more energy and money but we cant have everything can we?

It is very challenging bringing up twins, every morning when i wake up i wonder what the day is going to be like, are they going to be monkeys all day & demanding.. its very unpredictable. i sometimes stress when both girls scream at the same time, who do i attend to first!? Who do i comfort? it is very hard, and the first weeks or so i was so down in the dumps as i felt i could only comfort one at a time and i felt awful leaving the other twin in her chair.
Sometimes i do wonder if things would be different if i only had the one baby- i don’t regret having my monkeys whatsoever, its a blessing, I truly believe that I’m the luckiest woman on this planet, If only i could give them as much attention as they should have as a singleton. i give them all of my love.. my heart is absolutely full of love for them, and i really do try my best to be the best mother i could possibly be. Like i said it is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, but do you know what? i like challenges:)

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Chicken Pox X2

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So as the title says.. chicken pox has well and truly landed in our house, and both girls have it. We kind of expected it really because my niece & nephew have been with it the past 2 weeks so it was only a matter of time.

i was honestly thinking the girls were just having their terrible two’s early, because they have been nightmares for the past 2 weeks. They have been so hard to please, woke up various times in the night and was clinging on to me all day long. They’ve even been off food and they love food.. but now we have the answer… CHICKEN POX!

They are both absolutely covered in spots bless them, i feel so sorry for them, they are literally everywhere!! Theyre both feeling sorry fo themselves. Plenty of snuggles on the sofa this week i think, any excuse for a Pyjama day.. not that i need one 🙂 HA!!