The past few years haven’t been easy for me i must say. Living with depression & anxiety is a daily battle with your own mind & thoughts. Some days i have to fight the urge to do something silly that i would later regret for sure- but not everyday is like that which is a BIG improvement to how i used to be.
Depression has made me a better person in a way. “Why is that?”i hear you ask. Well, its because im such a sensitive person. I hate when people hurt my feelings so i would never dream of hurting anyone else’s feelings. I always think how i would feel in a situation and i strongly believe in the saying “treat others the way you wish to be treated”. That saying alone has made me into a better person.
Since having the girls, depressive symptoms only seem to creep up now when i’m exhausted or its that time of the month. First few weeks of having the girls i was having depressive symptoms and i got diagnosed with postnatal depression but luckily only borderline. These past few months have been so so hard with our current living situation and it has been affecting me. I barely take the girls out in the days. i am constantly indoors which makes me feel like the worst mum ever and that triggers the depression for me. i’m so anxious of being out on my own, if i have company i am fine but i wont go anywhere on my own. i wont phone anyone, and wont answer the door unless its someone i know or its a postman and even answering the door to the postman is something im anxious to do! I find that since having my little twinkles, ive lost my independence, I’ve always hated going anywhere on my own but these past 18 months, they’ve been hard. I hate living this way but its just me really and i do feel really sorry for the girls because i could be taking the girls out, they’re missing out on so much just because i am the way i am!
Some days i actually believe that the girls would be better off without me, but the day after that i tell myself how lucky and blessed i am to have something that i’ve always wanted and that they need me as much as i need them. Being a mum is the best job in the world, i get to spend everyday in the company of my girls. I just wish sometimes it would be easier. Its double the mischief, the tantrums and double the teething!! But nothing worth having ever comes easy! And i do believe that. Not once did i think it would be easy to be a stay at home mum of twins but i did think it would be easier than this. Everyday is a new day and i try to think like that, Like today the girls could be absolute terrors and i would end up putting the girls for a snooze in their cot while im in bed sobbing thinking im the world worst parent for not being able to handle two 1 year olds, but the day after the girls can be completely different and i feel so guilty shouting at them the day before because of their misbehaving. Its like a cycle. Not a day is the same. But i genuinely wouldnt have it any other way. Yes i struggle and sometimes i feel as though i want to pack my bags and go, but i could never do it. Its part of being a mum, i bet you’ve felt like this at some point of parenthood? Some may not admit to it but i know its not just me!
The way i cope with my feeling is by shutting myself in a room away from the girls for about 10 minutes or so with a coffee to ground myself- this helps me to focus on what important to me. In that 10 minutes my mind is playing overdrive. I feel as If I want to harm myself, I’m crying uncontrollably and heavy breathing. but all it takes is 10 minutes, 10 minutes of thinking about positives in my life and 10 minutes of controlled breathing. after my 10 minute time out is up I feel so much better and I actually feel silly that I let things get on top of me again and again. then the feeling of self harming is long gone.
This is my personal way of coping with my mental illness, if you ever suspect that you may have a mental illness please seek medical advice. I’ve also found a useful website that might be useful if you ever feel low like I do and need some advice –