Living with depression & anxiety

The past few years haven’t been easy for me i must say. Living with depression & anxiety is a daily battle with your own mind & thoughts. Some days i have to fight the urge to do something silly that i would later regret for sure- but not everyday is like wpid-20151011_090732-1.jpgthat which is a BIG improvement to how i used to be.

Depression has made me a better person in a way. “Why is that?”i hear you ask. Well, its because im such a sensitive person. I hate when people hurt my feelings so i would never dream of hurting anyone else’s feelings. I always think how i would feel in a situation and i strongly believe in the saying “treat others the way you wish to be treated”. That saying alone has made me into a better person.

Since having the girls, depressive symptoms only seem to creep up now when i’m exhausted or its that time of the month. First few weeks of having the girls i was having depressive symptoms and i got diagnosed with postnatal depression but luckily only borderline. These past few months have been so so hard with our current living situation and it has been affecting me. I barely take the girls out in the days. i am constantly indoors which makes me feel like the worst mum ever and that triggers the depression for me. i’m so anxious of being out on my own, if i have company i am fine but i wont go anywhere on my own. i wont phone anyone, and wont answer the door unless its someone i know or its a postman and even answering the door to the postman is something im anxious to do! I find that since having my little twinkles, ive lost my independence, I’ve always hated going anywhere on my own but these past 18 months, they’ve been hard. I hate living this way but its just me really and i do feel really sorry for the girls because i could be taking the girls out, they’re missing out on so much just because i am the way i am!

Some days i actually believe that the girls would be better off without me, but the day after that i tell myself hwpid-img-1442994282034-v.jpgow lucky and blessed i am to have something that i’ve always wanted and that they need me as much as i need them. Being a mum is the best job in the world, i get to spend everyday in the company of my girls. I just wish sometimes it would be easier. Its double the mischief, the tantrums and double the teething!! But nothing worth having ever comes easy! And i do believe that. Not once did i think it would be easy to be a stay at home mum of twins but i did think it would be easier than this. Everyday is a new day and i try to think like that, Like today the girls could be absolute terrors and i would end up putting the girls for a snooze in their cot while im in bed sobbing thinking im the world worst parent for not being able to handle two 1 year olds, but the day after the girls can be completely different and i feel so guilty shouting at them the day before because of their misbehaving. Its like a cycle. Not a day is the same. But i genuinely wouldnt have it any other way. Yes i struggle and sometimes i feel as though i want to pack my bags and go, but i could never do it. Its part of being a mum, i bet you’ve felt like this at some point of parenthood? Some may not admit to it but i know its not just me!

The way i cope with my feeling is by shutting myself in a room away from the girls for about 10 minutes or so with a coffee to ground myself- this helps me to focus on what important to me. In that 10 minutes my mind is playing overdrive. I feel as If I want to harm myself, I’m crying uncontrollably and heavy breathing. but all it takes is 10 minutes, 10 minutes of thinking about positives in my life and 10 minutes of controlled breathing. after my 10 minute time out is up I feel so much better and I actually feel silly that I let things get on top of me again and again. then the feeling of self harming is long gone.

This is my personal way of coping with my mental illness, if you ever suspect that you may have a mental illness pleaseΒ seek medical advice. I’ve also found a useful website that might be useful if you ever feel low like I do and need some adviceΒ –
http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/

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18 thoughts on “Living with depression & anxiety

  1. I’m so sorry you feel this way, it must be so hard! My sister went through a nasty stage of depression, it was so sad to watch, I just wanted to help her as much as I could but she was so good at hiding it which made it so much harder! 2 years after we found out she seems to be on the mend but we don’t know if she’s just got better at hiding it! Myself on the other hand, I have really bad anxiety, some days I can control it but some I can’t so I totally understand where you’re coming from with that!

    I hope you feel better soon! It must be so hard, but everything does get better πŸ™‚

    Lots of love xxxx

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  2. You know Motherhood is never mentioned to be a Massive battle, a challenge no one will know of until they go through it, we all here how lovely having babies is, but until it happens you just can’t imagine it.
    Your girls will actually help your demons, your little or large black clouds on days, I too have been through depression and post natal depression, it isn’t something that ever goes away either, I still have episodes, but to me they are blips, my reason for continuing for sticking around is actually no one would love my children the way I do, for to our children WE are there worlds and as they grow up, some things become easier, others though are constantly sent to challenge us.
    I am so pleased to read you have found that time out in your room, helps to life that cloud a little for you.
    Having double the trouble, is a terrible saying, you have double the blessing, double the fun and most definalty double the love.
    I hope at some point you manage to get out with the girls, for your sake more than theres hun, but just remember small steps count and no expecting giant leaps OK, big hugs from me to you, Sadie

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    1. Thank you very much for leaving a comment.. it brought tear to my eyes! I agree, it never goes awya doesnt it.. you just learn to cope. Ive been a sufferer since 13 years old and still battle with it now 11 years on. Hope youre feeling good lovely! Its nice to know im not the only one! Big hugs! Xxx

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  3. So sorry to hear you suffer with depression and anxiety. I went through a phase of this when I split up with me ex, and often it comes back however I am a different person than back then. I have always been an anxious person and know exactly what you mean with not wanting to step out of the house but then feel bad on the kids. xx

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  4. I’m sorry you feel like this but know you’re not alone. I can completely relate to how you feel as I’ve suffered with Postnatal Depression for over two years now and it’s a constant battle. I finally seem to be improving, but it’s taken a long time and some really dark times. I find one child hard work, I don’t know how I would cope with twins! You sound like a great mum, your girls are lucky to have you πŸ™‚ xx

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  5. Oh bless you! I can relate to this post so much. You are always welcome to come to mine for a cuppa – get yourself out of the house and the girls can play with my girls πŸ™‚ and we can have a chat x

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  6. Oh what an honest post – thank you for sharing. You are, I’m sure, a fab mum and yes blessed with your children. Hard to feel it sometimes though isn’t it? Lots of love Kaz x

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  7. I’ve suffered from depression and anxiety on and off since I was 15, I also used to self harm. I can relate to a lot of this, I find if I don’t get out every day I feel worse but sometimes I just can’t leave the house. It’s a horrible feeling but I usually end up just forcing myself to go out, even if it’s for 5 mins, it helps. I also like taking 10 minutes out, or having a bath/shower when I’m feeling really bad. I can relax, breath and think about the good things. x

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  8. Anxiety is a horrible thing to experience, I’ve suffered with it on & off for years and only recently am starting to get myself back. I lost sense of an independence I had and would have panic attacks if I was out on my own or even going to do the school run, my heart used to race & id be sweating thinking everyone would notice what was happening it was horrible. I have to say since I’ve got my independence back I am a different person.
    I’m sure you are an amazing mum to your girls, being a parent is tough and is also a rollercoaster of emotions, my girls have days (they are 6 & 2) where they will both play up throw strops, not do as their told or my two year old will scream on the bus for no reason lol But their just kids, letting out their emotions and testing us everyday!

    New follower xxx

    Emily x

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