This has been playing on ny mind these past few weeks when ive been feeling a bit low. Ive been feeling like the worst mum ever to my little twinkles.
I have no patience and ive been shouting at the girls. Ive been telling them off when theyve been misbehaving by hitting each other, pushing each other and rowing with one and other. Ive been telling them off for climbing on our nest of tables and squirting milk all over the tv and tv cabinet- oh and how they love squirting milk everywhere. I always seem to struggle to turn the pages of their books recently as theyre glued together with milk!! Ive been saying No! Everytime the girls start playing with the brush & mop in the kitchen. I get frustrated with the girls when they dont nap at the same time just because that means i wont have a break all day from them.
To some people i might sound harsh, bitter & the worlds worst mum but do you know what? After all the thinking ive done, i dont think im a bad mum at all. I discipline my girls – theres nothing wrong with that, im just trying to teach them the rights and wrongs! I might give them too much milk but they love it, who am i to take that away from them? They still take noonoo’s (dummy) as thats their comfort. Ive quit working to be home with them. I might be a rubbish person at the moment with the way im feeling but i dont think im a rubbish mum, i think im the best mum in the world– to my girls! It may not be the way you bring your kids up but its the way i bring mine up. Everyones different, theres no right or wrong way to bring up your kids. And i believe im bringing my kids up the right way for them and me! So yeah i do believe that im the best mum in the world…. to my little twinkles😊
So, Dont try to be like other mums and dads you see, just be you! Do it your way!! Be the best mum/dad in the world to your kids. I bet you already are in their eyes anyway. Just be you
The past few days have been really hard. The same time every month just before im due my monthly’s i get really low and this week i got really low! I dont remember the last time i was that low, its been a while!
The past week i have been thinking all sorts of horrible things in my head and i got to the point that i started to believe what i thought. I thought that i was a terrible and horrible mother for shouting at the girls and because i had no patience with them and that i didnt deserve to be a mum, that i was an awful fiancée to Jamie for always being short tempered and always in a bad mood and i thought that everyone hated me and was saying awful things behind my back. I was thinking that i was disgusting and fat and that i should start starving myself again. To be honest those thoughts havent really gone away but im trying to deal with them in my own way. Depression and anxiety really is a horrible illness and its ruining lives. Ive freaked myself out this week as its gone from bad to worse.
For 3 years now ive been dealing with my demons all on my own but ive finally admitted to myself that i need the help again. ive become so short tempered & impatient. Even when i battled with the demons before ive never been like this. So to be a better mother & fiancée I’ve accepted that i need help and i’m going to ask someone for help. Everyone needs a little help now & again and im not embarassed to say that i need help… I NEED HELP!!
Ive come off facebook this week as i found myself scrolling down my news feed all day long and not playing or reading to the girls much which isnt fair on them and to be honest i dont know what i was looking at on facebook. I really dont miss it whatsoever! I found that i was jealous of everyone just because im battling with my demons and im so negative about everything at the moment and i felt as if everyone was happy but me. Ive become a jealous mess and thats the reason ive come off facebook. I feel better already after coming off it. Im actually living a bit now rather than living in social media! And dealing with this all in my head ive also got two teething toddlers who loves throwing tantrums all day long and who dont like to sleep! Im sure i got up ten times last night between the both of them. So this morning im in serious need of coffee and some matchsticks to keep my eyes open! Its going to be a long day!Bring on 5pm when Jamie comes hoem from work! Im counting down the hours until jamie is off work on thursday for five days! I get my 4th day off from the girls in 19months on sunday and i cant wait. I think its just what we all need, us and the girls!
The past few years haven’t been easy for me i must say. Living with depression & anxiety is a daily battle with your own mind & thoughts. Some days i have to fight the urge to do something silly that i would later regret for sure- but not everyday is like that which is a BIG improvement to how i used to be.
Depression has made me a better person in a way. “Why is that?”i hear you ask. Well, its because im such a sensitive person. I hate when people hurt my feelings so i would never dream of hurting anyone else’s feelings. I always think how i would feel in a situation and i strongly believe in the saying “treat others the way you wish to be treated”. That saying alone has made me into a better person.
Since having the girls, depressive symptoms only seem to creep up now when i’m exhausted or its that time of the month. First few weeks of having the girls i was having depressive symptoms and i got diagnosed with postnatal depression but luckily only borderline. These past few months have been so so hard with our current living situation and it has been affecting me. I barely take the girls out in the days. i am constantly indoors which makes me feel like the worst mum ever and that triggers the depression for me. i’m so anxious of being out on my own, if i have company i am fine but i wont go anywhere on my own. i wont phone anyone, and wont answer the door unless its someone i know or its a postman and even answering the door to the postman is something im anxious to do! I find that since having my little twinkles, ive lost my independence, I’ve always hated going anywhere on my own but these past 18 months, they’ve been hard. I hate living this way but its just me really and i do feel really sorry for the girls because i could be taking the girls out, they’re missing out on so much just because i am the way i am!
Some days i actually believe that the girls would be better off without me, but the day after that i tell myself how lucky and blessed i am to have something that i’ve always wanted and that they need me as much as i need them. Being a mum is the best job in the world, i get to spend everyday in the company of my girls. I just wish sometimes it would be easier. Its double the mischief, the tantrums and double the teething!! But nothing worth having ever comes easy! And i do believe that. Not once did i think it would be easy to be a stay at home mum of twins but i did think it would be easier than this. Everyday is a new day and i try to think like that, Like today the girls could be absolute terrors and i would end up putting the girls for a snooze in their cot while im in bed sobbing thinking im the world worst parent for not being able to handle two 1 year olds, but the day after the girls can be completely different and i feel so guilty shouting at them the day before because of their misbehaving. Its like a cycle. Not a day is the same. But i genuinely wouldnt have it any other way. Yes i struggle and sometimes i feel as though i want to pack my bags and go, but i could never do it. Its part of being a mum, i bet you’ve felt like this at some point of parenthood? Some may not admit to it but i know its not just me!
The way i cope with my feeling is by shutting myself in a room away from the girls for about 10 minutes or so with a coffee to ground myself- this helps me to focus on what important to me. In that 10 minutes my mind is playing overdrive. I feel as If I want to harm myself, I’m crying uncontrollably and heavy breathing. but all it takes is 10 minutes, 10 minutes of thinking about positives in my life and 10 minutes of controlled breathing. after my 10 minute time out is up I feel so much better and I actually feel silly that I let things get on top of me again and again. then the feeling of self harming is long gone.
This is my personal way of coping with my mental illness, if you ever suspect that you may have a mental illness please seek medical advice. I’ve also found a useful website that might be useful if you ever feel low like I do and need some advice – http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/